No, You Don't Understand and I Pray You Never Do

I'm going to tell you the four most infuriating words in the English language: "I understand your pain."

No, you do not, cannot and I pray will never be able to understand my pain. Even my siblings cannot understand my pain because they did not suffer the same things I did. They didn't survive the beatings I did. They weren't told the same things I was told. They didn't suffer the loneliness and heartache I did. There's only One who understands my pain because He was right there beside me when I went through it. He watched it as it happened and He wanted to desperately stop it, but He would not overrule free will. He shielded me as much as He was able to and even miraculously stopped the abuse at times, but because someone in this world wanted to inflict pain and suffering on me, I went through some hell that no one on this earth can ever understand.

I know that others went through things, maybe even something very similar to what I experienced, but they didn't experience MY pain, my trauma, my suffering. That means no one can know my pain. Or understand it! Heck, even I don't understand my pain, at times. I pray no child ever has to endure what I went through as a child. I've had people try to tell me my childhood wasn't bad; that I had a good home, etc. No, I did not! There may have been quiet times, but my home life was not good. I walked on eggshells around my own home, hoping and praying the monster that lived there with me didn't know I was there. That I could walk through the hall to the bathroom without making a sound because that might infuriate him and I would get beaten just because I happened to be there.

The monsters weren't under my bed or in my closet; the monster lived in the room across the hall. He was in the living room or the kitchen or dining room. If I laughed at a TV show, I might get beaten because he thought I laughed wrong. If I went to the store to get medicine for him, I might get beaten when I got home because he thought I took too long. There was never any warning that what I was doing was making him furious and therefore the beatings would come out of nowhere for things that no one could reasonably think would cause anger or violence. Several of the beatings were for telling the truth. So, I learned that the truth wasn't always the best way to deal with things. At times it felt like just breathing was enough to make the monster come out.

No, my childhood was not good. No, my home life was not good. No, you cannot understand the pain that wound up stored in my heart, soul and memory. And I pray you will never be able to understand that kind of pain, that kind of terror and that kind of twisted life. But, I rarely talk about the things that went on, so you can't really understand how bad life was for me as a child. You don't know the many nights I was awakened to screams of pain and terror. Sometimes coming from my own mouth. You'll never know the fear that was with me every waking moment and sometimes invaded my sleep causing dreams that were horrifying because they were so realistic and so very close to what was happening when I wasn't asleep. Many were playing out what my child's mind thought would be the inevitable conclusion for what went on inside the four walls that I felt were my prison.

I know that I'll never understand someone else's pain because I didn't experience their lives. I can empathize, sympathize and be there for them as they work through their pain, but their pain is their own and I can never know it or understand it. I just hope that somehow, some way, I can help a child escape the kinds of things I lived through. Whether it be by shining a light on abuse or by recognizing the signs and alerting authorities to rescue that child from their situation. I will do whatever it takes to help a child who is in those situations

If you suspect a child is being abused, neglected or abandoned, please contact the authorities; police, child protective services or even the district attorney's office. Get someone to check on that child's situation. Children are a gift from God and should be treated as such. Not as punching bags or someone to take anger out on because the adult doesn't know how to control their anger or disappointments. No child should ever know the pain of being abused by the ones who are supposed to love and protect them. Or feel hate coming from those who are meant to be their guardians and teachers.