My Salvation Experience: Being Saved on 10 March 1985

I am not a strong person, though I've had people tell me so. I'm not a patient man, but I have been called that, once or twice. I am not a good person, though several people have described me that way. I'm just a man who has survived.

I've been through many struggles. I've endured lots of trials. I've made it through many tribulations. But, I am not an overcomer. I'm not a winner. I'm nothing.

God is the strength that people see when they call me strong. Holy Spirit is the patience people witness when I don't lose my cool. I'm a sinner saved by grace, not the good man people think me to be. Without God, I'm just a pile of ashes waiting to be swept away. Before I met Jesus Christ on 10 March 1985, I was one of the worst human beings on the planet. I was a liar, a thief, angry, hateful and filled with a rage that I could not control. In fact, in the early weeks of 1985 I purchased a pistol and made plans to commit suicide on 23 March 1985. I don't know exactly why I had chosen that date, but that was the date I chose. Thirteen days before my pre-assigned death, God put miracles into motion that brought me to my knees before that day would end.

I awakened that Sunday morning with ¼ tank of gas in my car and a full week of work to go through before I would get my paycheck. I spoke to a couple of relatives on the phone, including my Mom, who begged me to go to church with her, just as she'd been doing for months. But, this time I told her I would go to church with her, IF she would loan me some gas money. Of course, she immediately said she would, but Holy Spirit nudged her that I had not intention of staying for the service, I was just going to get the cash and leave before service began, so she withdrew her agreement. Oh, I got so angry!!!!

I turned on the TV for distraction, but it was on religious programming, for some reason. No matter how many buttons I pushed on the remote, the channel would not change and it would not turn off! I even walked over to the set and tried to change channels or turn it off on the set and that wouldn't work, either. So I unplugged it from the wall in order to turn it off. Now, for some STUPID reason, I got in my car and began to drive around North Dallas trying to find a blinker guard for my car, not to purchase, to steal! 1974 Ford LTDs were one of the most ubiquitous cars on the road in 1985 in Dallas, Texas, but I could not find one single example of that car no matter where I drove. As it turned out, about an hour before services were to begin at Mom's church, I happened to wind up about 8 blocks from that church, in Grapevine. Remember, when I left my house that day, I had ¼ tank of gas and I had been driving around for hours trying to find that blinker guard to steal. So, I thought, okay, I'll go to the church, meet Mom, get her to loan me some money so I can get to work the following week, then I'd leave the church before services started. So I drove to the parking lot of that megachurch that had over 5,000 members and was in the midst of a revival!

Once I got in the parking lot, I thought I would never be able to find Mom in all those people, so I tried to start my car and drive home, but my car would not start! It didn't even click when I turned the key. Great! I was stuck!!! So, I got out of the car and went into the building. Again, a church that seated more than 5,000 people that was in the midst of a standing room only revival with Narvel Hayes, yet when I stepped into that sanctuary, my eyes immediately fell on the back of my Mom's head! Instantly!!!

I walked down that aisle to the row where Mom, my sister Renee and my brother-in-law, Willie, were seated, but Mom's back was toward me as she was talking to Renee. Renee's eyes fell on me and they widened to the size of saucers and her mouth fell open, which caused Mom to turn around to see what had caused that reaction in her daughter. Her eyes fell on me and the biggest grin crossed her face and she jumped up and grabbed me in a hug and pulled me down into the seat beside her! Again, I had no plans of staying for the service, I was just going to ask her for gas money and leave, but somehow I never got the chance to ask her about money and the next thing I knew the service was starting and I was once again stuck!!! I was not a happy man sitting in that chair, let me tell you. Even the songs sung by Candi Staton couldn't penetrate into my stone cold, rage-filled heart. I just sat there stewing in my anger while all around me was the glory and spirit of God, which I wanted nothing to do with!

I cannot tell you what Narvel's sermon was about. But I do recall toward the end of that sermon, as he was walking back and forth across that platform, he started talking about someone who was facing their very last chance to get right with God. That caught my attention for some reason. It could have been the fact that the pistol I planned to use to commit suicide was in the glove compartment of my car sitting in the parking lot just outside. I don't know, but I began to listen to Narvel.

As he was walking across the platform, he stopped just short of being directly in front of me, but he pointed his finger directly at me, and looked me right in the eye and said, "if you walk out this door tonight without making it right with God, you won't get another chance. You'll be dead within two weeks and you will spend eternity without God." I don't think my feet touched the floor as I burst out of that seat and flew to the altar, begging God to forgive me, to save me, to give me what I needed and had always wanted: a relationship with Him!

Yes, I had grown up going to church, until the age of 13, but I had never truly committed myself to Christ. Plus, I had been running from God so hard since September of 1976 because I blamed God for my family situation. I didn't understand how the God of love I had read about, the God who was concerned about every single thing in my life could have allowed the things that happened to me to have happened. I didn't understand, then, that though God does intervene at times to protect one of His children, His other children have free will and He will not, under normal circumstances, override their free will. I still don't really understand all of that type of thing, but I do know this: I want to live my life in God's will and whatever His will is, that be done!

I never did ask Mom for gas money that night. And after I left the church, I got in my car, started it (yes, it started without hesitation) and noticed my gas gauge was still at the ¼ mark. I drove home to Richardson and drove from Richardson to Irving the whole week, until Friday and that gas gauge never went down until Friday evening on my home from work. I had my paycheck in my pocket when my car ran out of gas about 15 blocks from the bank! THAT was my first miracle after being saved.

Those miracles have continued for the last 39 years. Much greater miracles have happened, but that first one will always be stuck in my mind, my heart and my soul. Because that first one was the One that truly proved to me that not only does God love me, He cares about even the tiniest detail of my life. My salvation that 10th of March in 1985 was after a series of miracles, to be certain, but that gas gauge in my car not moving was something so spectacular, so mind blowing and so amazing that it sealed within my heart the fact of God's love, concern and mostly His existence.

See, I don't just have faith or believe that God exists; I KNOW God exists. I've felt His presence, I've seen Him move in my life and I've watched as He has performed miracle after miracle that have saved my life, kept me on my feet and taken diseases away from my body. When I tell someone I'm a believer, I'm not just saying I believe God exists, that He cares, etc. I'm saying I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, not a denomination, but His church. The people He has saved who love Him beyond measure. I'm a believer because I know that I know that I know that God is real, that He loves me and that He is always with me.

My Purpose: Why I'm Here

Every single one of us has asked, or will ask, or are currently asking: why am I here? what is my purpose?

There are too many answers to write into one book. To put them all down on paper would require more paper than this world will ever generate, because there are multiple answers for every single person. There are simple answers like: because you are. There are intricate, impossibly complex answers that I couldn't even begin to understand, or translate. Sometimes the answers change as we grow and age. I'm not a philospher, so I cannot even begin to fathom the complexities of answering those questions.

I believe my purpose in this life is to help others, just as most every other person on the planet. Helping others gives my life purpose, but I don't know if that is my life's purpose. My joy, my peace and my satisfaction come from helping others in whatever ways I am able. Sometimes it may be as simple as just listening to someone as they cry. Or just letting them lay their head on my shoulder and rest. There are times they need more active assistance, but no matter what their need is, I always try, and hope, to be able to fill their need and send them away from me better off than when they came. I don't always succeed, sometimes because I have nothing I can give or do, but I do always try.

But there are times when I'm trying to reach a much broader field of people. Not the ones who are physically nearby, and maybe some I have never, and will never, actually meet. The messages I post on social media have the capacity to reach tens of millions of people, and I always strive to give messages of hope, of healing, of love. I've hurt so many times when the words of someone I've never known existed have reached into my heart and comforted me, soothed my pain and given me the hope to get up and carry on. I try to do the same when I post messages on social media. Even if someone on the other side of the planet reads them, I want them to find solace, peace, enlightenment, hope in my words. Encouraging people costs me nothing, but they have everything to gain from my words if I choose them carefully and follow the lead of Holy Spirit. He is my Comforter, and I want to share His comfort with the entire universe.

From the first day of creation until now, there have probably been more than 10 Trillion people who have walked this planet, yet God had a purpose for every single one of them. He created each and every one of us with a unique and distinctive purpose. We may not always know every aspect of His purpose for us, but if we follow in His Word and Will, we will always fulfill the purpose He designed us for. Some may know, others may not, but just following His lead will always bring us into completion of His plan and purpose. What better result could we possibly hope for?

New Relationships

We talk about new love; how great it is, how exciting it is, and we romanticize it. But new love is also scary. While you're basking in the glow of the possibilities, the negative possibilities also cross your mind and that's terrifying. What if the person you're falling in love with hurts you? What if they use you up and toss you aside like yesterday's garbage? It's impossible to imagine all the great outcomes without considering all the hurtful, harmful ones. It's enough to drive a person into hibernation.

From my own experience, I worry that I will again fall in love only to learn my partner doesn't really love me. That I will go into another relationship where I give my all and I receive little to nothing in return. I've only been in love one time, but I knew that I wasn't loved in return. I was willing to live that relationship because I was so desperate to be in love. I'm older and wiser, now, but I still have to weigh the cost of being in a relationship where I fall in love. Am I going to be fallen in love with this time, or will I be the only one in love in the relationship? Am I willing to risk it all again, only to find I'm repeating my last relationship? And what if I do wind up being loved the way I love? How do I react to that? I've never experienced that so how will I cope with it?

I also keep asking myself if I'm too old to go through it all, again. Do I really want to try again? Does the risk of pain outweigh the possibility of being loved? Can I really find love at this stage in my life? Ten billion and one questions and not a single real answer in sight, and my stress level goes through the roof! What am I waiting for? Am I rushing it? Am I delaying it? Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? Too many questions without answers could send me running back into hibernation without really giving love a chance.

But the reality is we cannot find the answers until we commit ourselves to the relationship. Only by allowing ourselves to fall in love can we learn if the other person loves us the way we love them. We can only learn if they will hurt us after we give them the opportunity to love us. There is no shortcut to the answers; we just have to travel the journey in order to reach the destination, whichever that may be. So the real question is: do we embark on the journey or do we return to our cave and hide out for the rest of our lives? And that truly is the only question we can answer. Will it be yes or no?

Words

We all know people who make comments that are hurtful, but they say it as a "joke," so we can't really complain about what they're saying or we look like someone who is overly sensitive. Or they make jokes with just enough barb to them that you know they really mean what they're saying but want to hide it behind a joke so they can't be held accountable.

This type of thing has always bothered me because it's just another way of not truly being real in a relationship. And it's a way of not truly taking responsibility for their actions, statements or behavior. They think because it's a "joke" it's okay. But the fact remains, the pain they inflict is real, not a joke. But, to them, hurt feelings aren't really pain. And if they are, it's not their fault, it's the person whose feelings were hurt's fault. They should "toughen up." But these people tend to be people who have suffered enough hurt and pain in their lives that they can't just "toughen up."

Words are powerful. Jesus taught us that the power of life and death are in the tongue. Words can create or destroy. Words can bring joy or sorrow. They can build up or tear down. And the one speaking those words will have to answer for them one day; not to man but to God. Matthew 12:36-37 says, "But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned." But what does it mean to say "idle words?" Idle words lack purpose or intention; they fill the air with meaningless noise. I know I don't want to stand before God and have to answer for saying things that had no purpose or were just a bunch of noise. I only want to hear God say, "well done" when I enter His presence. I don't want Him questioning me about things that didn't have purpose.

There's an old children's rhyme that parents have used for generations to try to help children not really give words much importance, but the truth of the matter is that words may not break bones, but they do break spirits, hearts and the wounds they inflict may last a lifetime.

For Such A Time As This

As far as I know, this phrase was first used when Esther was queen of Persia, by being the wife of Ahasuerus, king of the Persian empire. She was queen when Ahasuerus decreed that all the Hebrews be destroyed and the Jewish people be killed at the urging of Haman. Esther's uncle, Mordecai spoke to her and told her that she had been chosen by God to be queen of the Persian empire for such a time as this so that she could save the Jews from extermination.

Since that time, anyone called of God to accomplish a certain task at a certain time has used the phrase, for such a time as this. And in the days that we are living in, there are many who have been appointed "for such a time as this." Appointed and anointed to share the grace and mercy of Almighty God, to share the good news of Jesus Christ, who lived, died and was resurrected so that we might have eternal life, spending eternity with God.

I believe I was born so that I could share that grace and mercy that I have received and to tell everyone I meet that Jesus is alive and well and that He is still rolling stones away from tombs, setting captives free, giving sight and hearing to the blind and deaf. Healing the sick and restoring hope in the hearts and souls of all who call on His name and repent of their sins. His love is all around us, if we'll just allow ourselves to feel it.

But, at this point in history, our people are at odds with one another. We're allowing our differences to create hate and enmity within our hearts and souls. If we don't agree with someone's point of view we classify them as our enemy and we seek to hurt or destroy them. There are no scriptures in the Bible that tell us that these things are justified or right. There are, however, scriptures that tell us these things are unacceptable to God. Jesus came to teach us how to live, and all we have to do is follow His example. Jesus never accused anyone for their sin! He never fought with those who didn't believe. When He traveled to Nazareth, His very own people refused to see Him as He truly was, so He departed that region. He didn't declare war on them and try to destroy them, He merely turned around and left them where they were.

Jesus never got into anyone's face and screamed that they should follow Him; He merely went where people could listen to His teachings. If they attended that was great. If they didn't, that was fine, too. Jesus never tried to change the rule of law that governed Israel and Judea. He obeyed the law, but He still did what He needed to do in teaching the people that He was the Messiah and that God loved them. Even the woman at the well was not treated with anything other than love and respect. And she had been married so many times and was living with a man who was not her husband. But Jesus didn't tell her she was a harlot, adulteress, sinner or anything of that nature. He simply invited her to drink of the living water that He provides and told her to go and sin no more. Even though He knew that she could not live her life without commiting sin. The command to go and sin no more is not given in the spirit that we will never make a mistake, it's given so that we strive to live our lives without sin.

For such a time as this, I was called by God to bring His message of love, hope, grace and mercy to the people that I can reach. And that's what I try to do each and every day. I don't always hit the mark, but I still keep trying. I still keep telling every one I can that Jesus loves them so much that He died the most horrifying death imaginable so that every one who accepts Him as Lord and Savior can find peace, love, grace and mercy. Eternal life with God is a bonus! Nothing we can do would ever earn us salvation. We aren't told to clean ourselves up and do things to pay for our salvation. We were saved by grace through the mercy of God. Our works are not done to earn anything; they're done to show others what God can do and to fulfill the command of Jesus to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick and the widows, to house the homeless and to share the Love, Grace and Mercy that we have received from God. If you see someone thirsty, give them a drink. If you see someone hurting, offer solace and hope.

Stop the hatred; stop the shouting; stop the belligerence; stop the enmity! Humble yourself and allow Holy Spirit to guide you and counsel you. I know it's not the easiest thing to do, but it is worth the effort to do so. The result will be peace beyond understanding and joy that can't be spoken. And love like you've never known.

New Love/First Love

I'm 60 years old and I've never had someone be in love with me. I have been in love, once, but it was not returned. I was settled for, not chosen or "the one." I have loved when I wasn't "in love," and while those relationships were nice, they weren't meant to be the permanent, lasting relationships, they were merely practice for the real one.

The one relationship where I was in love, I was settled for because of health issues Kerry was dealing with. I was settled for because there was no hope that someone else would come along and be the love Kerry wanted. While I knew that going in, and I was okay with it because I was so madly in love, later on I felt cheated and deprived. My love wasn't diminished, but I felt like I deserve to be loved the way I love. And although I dated, I didn't find the one, so I gave up. For almost 25 years I didn't try to find love, I just lived my life believing no one would ever love me like that.

My comment on love was, "if God wants me to have it, He will rip off the roof and throw it in."

There's a possibility that I may have found that love, or it found me. A month into the relationship, there's something really special going on but I cannot say that I've found "the one." I've found someone who COULD be "the one." While I had never heard the words, "I love you" from someone I was in a relationship with before, I got to hear those words a couple of weeks ago and it felt so good, so right, so now. Yes, it would be easy to question why it took so long, or to ask what was I doing wrong that I couldn't find it earlier in my life, but the truth is asking those questions and getting the answers wouldn't change anything. I would still be 60 years old and experiencing something I've never experienced before. I don't feel the need to question, I only feel the need to experience what is happening in the here and now.

Everything happens in God's time. When you give your life to Him and you place all control of your life in His hands, then things happen on His schedule and there's not much you can do about it. Yes, I could try to force it, like I did with Kerry, but nothing will really come of that because it's not the soulmate God created for me. And that's who I want: God's choice, not my own. This new love may very well turn out to be my first true love, but it may turn out to be just another preparation or just a taste of love. I don't know, yet. But I do know I'm going to enjoy it for as long as God has planned.

Are You Kidding Me?

I keep hearing about the hardships the people of the Gaza Strip are enduring, but I don't hear any news reports about the hardships the people of Israel are facing! It's always about how the palestinians are being denied basic human rights, but no one talks about how those palestinians have denied basic human rights to the women and children of Israel whom they've murdered or the survivors of the Israeli men they've murdered who have no means to support themselves. When are we going to stop bending over backwards to make the palestinians victims? They are not victims! They would be if they had ever declared themselves a sovereign nation and established a state for themselves. They occupied the land now known as Israel for almost 2,000 years and never established themselves as a nation. They claimed their nations as those of Iran, Iraq, Syria, Egypt, etc., but they never made any move to establish the land where Israel now exists as a state. Only after Israel took possession and resurrected their nation did those who had lived on that land for thousands of generations claim they wanted a state on that land.