I am not a strong person, though I've had people tell me so. I'm not a patient man, but I have been called that, once or twice. I am not a good person, though several people have described me that way. I'm just a man who has survived.
I've been through many struggles. I've endured lots of trials. I've made it through many tribulations. But, I am not an overcomer. I'm not a winner. I'm nothing.
God is the strength that people see when they call me strong. Holy Spirit is the patience people witness when I don't lose my cool. I'm a sinner saved by grace, not the good man people think me to be. Without God, I'm just a pile of ashes waiting to be swept away. Before I met Jesus Christ on 10 March 1985, I was one of the worst human beings on the planet. I was a liar, a thief, angry, hateful and filled with a rage that I could not control. In fact, in the early weeks of 1985 I purchased a pistol and made plans to commit suicide on 23 March 1985. I don't know exactly why I had chosen that date, but that was the date I chose. Thirteen days before my pre-assigned death, God put miracles into motion that brought me to my knees before that day would end.
I awakened that Sunday morning with ¼ tank of gas in my car and a full week of work to go through before I would get my paycheck. I spoke to a couple of relatives on the phone, including my Mom, who begged me to go to church with her, just as she'd been doing for months. But, this time I told her I would go to church with her, IF she would loan me some gas money. Of course, she immediately said she would, but Holy Spirit nudged her that I had not intention of staying for the service, I was just going to get the cash and leave before service began, so she withdrew her agreement. Oh, I got so angry!!!!
I turned on the TV for distraction, but it was on religious programming, for some reason. No matter how many buttons I pushed on the remote, the channel would not change and it would not turn off! I even walked over to the set and tried to change channels or turn it off on the set and that wouldn't work, either. So I unplugged it from the wall in order to turn it off. Now, for some STUPID reason, I got in my car and began to drive around North Dallas trying to find a blinker guard for my car, not to purchase, to steal! 1974 Ford LTDs were one of the most ubiquitous cars on the road in 1985 in Dallas, Texas, but I could not find one single example of that car no matter where I drove. As it turned out, about an hour before services were to begin at Mom's church, I happened to wind up about 8 blocks from that church, in Grapevine. Remember, when I left my house that day, I had ¼ tank of gas and I had been driving around for hours trying to find that blinker guard to steal. So, I thought, okay, I'll go to the church, meet Mom, get her to loan me some money so I can get to work the following week, then I'd leave the church before services started. So I drove to the parking lot of that megachurch that had over 5,000 members and was in the midst of a revival!
Once I got in the parking lot, I thought I would never be able to find Mom in all those people, so I tried to start my car and drive home, but my car would not start! It didn't even click when I turned the key. Great! I was stuck!!! So, I got out of the car and went into the building. Again, a church that seated more than 5,000 people that was in the midst of a standing room only revival with Narvel Hayes, yet when I stepped into that sanctuary, my eyes immediately fell on the back of my Mom's head! Instantly!!!
I walked down that aisle to the row where Mom, my sister Renee and my brother-in-law, Willie, were seated, but Mom's back was toward me as she was talking to Renee. Renee's eyes fell on me and they widened to the size of saucers and her mouth fell open, which caused Mom to turn around to see what had caused that reaction in her daughter. Her eyes fell on me and the biggest grin crossed her face and she jumped up and grabbed me in a hug and pulled me down into the seat beside her! Again, I had no plans of staying for the service, I was just going to ask her for gas money and leave, but somehow I never got the chance to ask her about money and the next thing I knew the service was starting and I was once again stuck!!! I was not a happy man sitting in that chair, let me tell you. Even the songs sung by Candi Staton couldn't penetrate into my stone cold, rage-filled heart. I just sat there stewing in my anger while all around me was the glory and spirit of God, which I wanted nothing to do with!
I cannot tell you what Narvel's sermon was about. But I do recall toward the end of that sermon, as he was walking back and forth across that platform, he started talking about someone who was facing their very last chance to get right with God. That caught my attention for some reason. It could have been the fact that the pistol I planned to use to commit suicide was in the glove compartment of my car sitting in the parking lot just outside. I don't know, but I began to listen to Narvel.
As he was walking across the platform, he stopped just short of being directly in front of me, but he pointed his finger directly at me, and looked me right in the eye and said, "if you walk out this door tonight without making it right with God, you won't get another chance. You'll be dead within two weeks and you will spend eternity without God." I don't think my feet touched the floor as I burst out of that seat and flew to the altar, begging God to forgive me, to save me, to give me what I needed and had always wanted: a relationship with Him!
Yes, I had grown up going to church, until the age of 13, but I had never truly committed myself to Christ. Plus, I had been running from God so hard since September of 1976 because I blamed God for my family situation. I didn't understand how the God of love I had read about, the God who was concerned about every single thing in my life could have allowed the things that happened to me to have happened. I didn't understand, then, that though God does intervene at times to protect one of His children, His other children have free will and He will not, under normal circumstances, override their free will. I still don't really understand all of that type of thing, but I do know this: I want to live my life in God's will and whatever His will is, that be done!
I never did ask Mom for gas money that night. And after I left the church, I got in my car, started it (yes, it started without hesitation) and noticed my gas gauge was still at the ¼ mark. I drove home to Richardson and drove from Richardson to Irving the whole week, until Friday and that gas gauge never went down until Friday evening on my home from work. I had my paycheck in my pocket when my car ran out of gas about 15 blocks from the bank! THAT was my first miracle after being saved.
Those miracles have continued for the last 39 years. Much greater miracles have happened, but that first one will always be stuck in my mind, my heart and my soul. Because that first one was the One that truly proved to me that not only does God love me, He cares about even the tiniest detail of my life. My salvation that 10th of March in 1985 was after a series of miracles, to be certain, but that gas gauge in my car not moving was something so spectacular, so mind blowing and so amazing that it sealed within my heart the fact of God's love, concern and mostly His existence.
See, I don't just have faith or believe that God exists; I KNOW God exists. I've felt His presence, I've seen Him move in my life and I've watched as He has performed miracle after miracle that have saved my life, kept me on my feet and taken diseases away from my body. When I tell someone I'm a believer, I'm not just saying I believe God exists, that He cares, etc. I'm saying I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, not a denomination, but His church. The people He has saved who love Him beyond measure. I'm a believer because I know that I know that I know that God is real, that He loves me and that He is always with me.
