I don't know why God chose to allow me to walk the path I've traveled through this life. There are some people who have expressed their own ideas about that, but I, myself, haven't truly understood what the purpose or reasoning has been for me to have experienced all the situations my life has encountered. It's been said if someone were to read a book that included one or two of the chapters of my life, they would think it far-fetched that a person could experience so much hurt, heartache and pain in one lifetime; and if they read the book of my life, they would conclude it was a work of fiction because no one could endure all that I've seen and been through.
I know that God didn't sit down and write out a plan for my life that included every situation I've encountered. Some of those situations were based on the choices and decisions and actions of my parents; others were based upon the choices and decisions I made; i.e. my own free will. We are not characters that God has written every line for, for each day of our lives. We were created with free will to make our decisions and choose how to live our own lives, yet our decisions not only effect our lives, they effect the lives of others around us, which effects the lives of others around them, and so on. A decision you make today, a choice to go left instead of right, could actually have an effect on the life of someone in China later this year.
Yet, there are things that have happened in my life that God has purposefully allowed or set in motion in order for me to learn, to grow, to develop patience, experience, understanding. And those things that others have effectively wrought in my life, God allowed to happen for reasons which are His own. I've had many people remark about my strength, which always surprises me. You see, many of them don't know about the 7 suicide attempts. They're unaware that I spent 10 days in the ICU after swallowing 180 pills. I'm not really sure, but I don't think it takes much strength to try to kill one's self.
And though I may not understand God's reasons for allowing me to go through all I've been through, I do know this: He will work each one of those things out for my good and He will use them for His glory. How do I know this? Because I seek His will in my life, each day. And because I give Him all the glory and praise for all the success and blessings in my life. You see, without Christ, I wouldn't have made it to this day. When I asked Him to forgive me, to save me on that March, 1985 Sunday evening in Dallas, Texas I gave Him not only my heart and soul, but my life. And He gave me His. So the life I live today is not my own, it's the life He gave me. He directs my steps and guides my path. It's His agenda that I attend to. And so, it's His strength that carries me through every struggle, trial, tribulation and trouble that I encounter. Not my own.
Because my strength would only allow me to kill myself.