A friend of mine posted a quote from Albert Einstein on her Facebook page which caused me to think on how powerful the things we say to children are, and how those things influence that child their entire life. The quote says, in part: ". . .if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
I grew up hearing my father tell me I was stupid, worthless, good for nothing, etc. And my older brother constantly reminded me of how ugly I was. They didn't stop this type of talk when I got grown; in fact, the day my brother's daughter was born, in 2004, when we were in the hospital room, I asked to hold my niece and my brother said, "don't let her look at you too long, we don't want her to be scarred for life having to look at your ugly face first thing!" A child's family has the most impact on that child's self-esteem and behavior. Each and every child craves the approval and love of parents and siblings. When the parents and older siblings constantly reinforce negatives in the presence of that child, (s)he will grow up believing what they've heard.
While there are many people who have the strength of character to overcome the negative impact of their upbringing, there are plenty of people who live their entire lives based on those things they heard as a child. That they were stupid or lazy or ugly or weird. There have been teens who committed suicide because of the assessments of their family who have reinforced for years the idea that the teen was not worthy of praise or love.
In my own experience, my father's girlfriend would tell me my dad would tell her how hard I had worked or what a great job I had done, but my father would tell me nothing positive; instead telling me every little thing I did wrong and he never paid me, claiming I hadn't worked hard enough or well enough to "earn" any pay. I eventually gave up trying to do a good job because no matter how good the job was, I only received criticism and negative assessments. And so I grew up to be someone who thought he wasn't good at anything, who didn't deserve to earn a decent wage because I wasn't able to perform as well as others. The first time I received a merit raise on a job, I was convinced they'd given me the raise out of pity, not because they believed I had earned it.
Another lingering result of my childhood is the difficulty I have accepting compliments. It's only been the last few years where I could simply say, "thank you" when someone complimented me. Before, every compliment was returned with a reason why I shouldn't be complimented or that the person giving the compliment was incorrect or just saying so out of pity. I've been told that some of my friends and relatives stopped giving me the compliments because they met with such resistance when they did give them to me.
Yet, all the while, while dismissing the compliments I was receiving, I was desperate to hear the compliments. Of course, when I received a compliment, I would work that much harder in whatever area I had been complimented on. Not trying to get more compliments, necessarily, but trying to deserve the compliment they had given me, already.
And, I have missed out on what may have been great relationships because I would dismiss any interest in me, outright, because I didn't believe anyone could be interested in me, romantically, because I was ugly and undeserving of anyone's love, based on the things my father and brother had told me all my life. My attitude was: "who could love someone as screwed up and unlovable as me?"
I also didn't pursue some areas of talent that had manifested in my life because when I did something like draw a picture, my father would automatically say it was rubbish and that I should leave the art to my brother who was considered mega-talented. I was in my late 20's before I began to pursue the dream of drawing, again. And much to my surprise, I was told by friends that I was okay. I even sold a drawing, once. That was a HUGE ego boost!
If you have children or grandchildren, nieces or nephews, remember to encourage them and compliment them on a regular basis. Don't harp on the negatives in their lives, concentrate on their assets. Yes, it's necessary to point out negative behaviors, but when you do, don't constantly remind them of their negatives. I am not a model, and never could win any type of contest based on my looks, but I've not the ugliest face on the planet, either. It would have been nice as a child to not be reminded every single day that I was ugly. Trust me, I am aware of my looks, and the flaws therein, but in the eyes of God, I'm one of the most beautiful people on the planet. So, even if you have a child in your life who isn't the cutest thing to ever grace the planet, don't tell them they're ugly! They know they're not gorgeous, but they need to hear what there is about them that's positive and good, not what they're lacking.
If a child isn't good at one thing, help them find what they are good at, and encourage them in that endeavor. Praise them for their determination, if nothing else. The compliment on how hard they try will help them become better at whatever they attempt. Just always remember, the things you say to a child will be with them the rest of their lives. Make it positive and uplifting!
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