Monday, October 12, 2015

Living With Spiritual/Emotional Pain

You'd think I'd be be accustomed to the pain and the loss that comes from being excluded, abandoned or betrayed; Lord knows I've experienced enough of it in my life. The scenario has played out so many times I've lost count where someone tells me that I cannot be in their life because someone else is in their life and there's no room for me. Or just having someone drop out of my life without explanation or reason, only refusal to speak to me or give me any indication they're aware that I'm still alive on the planet.

I've been told I get my feelings hurt too easily or that I take any kind of slight rejection completely out of proportion, but how is someone who has known complete, utter rejection by someone they love, and someone who is supposed to love them, supposed to categorize or compartmentalize rejection and abandonment? The pain of not being chosen, ever, by anyone after experiencing numerous instances of being shut out brings a pain, an emptiness and a depression that is difficult to express to someone who has never experienced a lifetime of rejection, abandonment and betrayal without ever having experienced a single instance of being chosen and loved completely without condition.

Yes, there have been instances where I thought I was loved completely and unconditionally, but eventually that person chose to exclude me from their life due to someone else. That leads to a feeling that the period of unconditional, complete acceptance wasn't truly unconditional or complete. Ultimately, I've been left all alone without explanation about why it is that no one can love me completely, unconditionally and without end. There is, apparently, something so totally flawed or broken in me that I cannot be loved the way I love, accepted the way I accept and cherished the way I cherish.

Yes, I know God loves me completely, totally, without condition and without end, but that doesn't truly take the place of having another person on this planet to do the same. No family member, whether by blood or by choosing, no soulmate, no one. Yes, I have friends who love me, but it still not the same. Being rejected by one's family and never having known the true love of a soulmate leaves a hole within the heart and the soul of a person.

Apparently it's a hole that can never truly be filled unless it is filled by the family who has rejected and abandoned you or by a soulmate that you have no hope of ever finding.