Saturday, June 13, 2015

Being Weary

As a child growing up in church, I would hear older people talk of being weary, and I couldn't grasp what it was they meant. Even as a young Christian in my early adult years, I would hear that term and not truly understand what the person speaking meant. I got tired, just like everyone else, but there was something in the way the speaker uttered the phrase, “I'm so weary,” that conveyed something more than the tiredness I was familiar with. There was almost a hopelessness in their voice when they would speak of their weariness.

Today, I do understand what weariness truly means, and also the all encompassing feeling of being weary. After nearly 30 years of living in progressively worsening, non-stop pain, I have grown weary. After years of struggling financially, I have grown weary. After decades of battle after battle, struggle after struggle and tribulation after tribulation, I have grown weary. I've found myself crying out to God to bring an end to my weariness, to give me relief or simply take me Home to be with Him for eternity. To my dismay, He has done neither of those things.

In my weariness, I've questioned why God would allow me to continue in this weary state; what it is in His plan that seems to require that I live out this life in this condition. I've even outright asked Him why He's forsaken me in this place of pain, frustration, uncertainty and desperation. The only answer I've received, thus far, is silence.

Do these circumstances test my faith? Certainly. I am, after all, just a mere human who cannot understand the vastness or the eternal mind of God, Himself. Do they cause me to doubt the very existence of God Almighty? Absolutely not! I may doubt my place in His will, I may doubt my ability to follow His plan. I may even doubt my salvation, but I never, not for one moment have ever lost the absolute, complete, utter certainty that God is there, and that He hears my cries and my prayers. I don't even doubt that He's answered, though I doubt my ability to hear or understand His answer.

As the old hymn says, I am tired, I am weak and I am worn. Yes, I am even weary. But, through it all, I know that my God, my Savior, my King is still in control and that He shall deliver me from the pain, the uncertainty, the trials, the storms and even from the hopelessness that I sometimes feel due to my earthly eyes seeing only the circumstances that I'm surrounded with. My faith in Him, my absolute knowledge of His existence and His omniscience are not dimmed in the least; in fact, my faith and surety of His being is stronger than it's ever been.

Being weary, like all the other circumstances and conditions of this life is a temporary state of being, not a permanent, eternal condition. And through it all, I know that He continues to hold me in the palm of His hand and neither life, nor death, nor powers nor circumstance can ever remove me from His love, His mercy and His grace.