I'm Giving Up

I'm finished, done! I will no longer call everyone when no one calls me. If people want to talk to me, they have my number. I am tired of hearing people tell me they love me, they care about me, blah, blah, blah. Their actions prove otherwise. No one calls to see if I'm okay. No one ever calls to ask how my day has been. IF someone calls it's to complain about something, to talk about what's going on in their life, but they don't want to hear about what's going on in mine.

I'm tired of trying to make friends with people who promise they'll call but then my phone never rings. And if I finally break down and call them, I'm interrupting something, or they have something they just have to do, but then they never call back. I'm sick of those people who were friends for a long time but they got mad at something and just ghosted me, then they contact me and say they'll call "tomorrow." But, unlike the musical "Annie," in real life, tomorrow never comes.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure because other people don't do what they say they'll do and then I wind up wondering what's wrong with me!!! Whatever is wrong is obviously with the people who say they'll do something but then never do it and never bother trying to explain why they didn't. They just never call or come by. But, if I see them somewhere they'll be like, "oh, I love you so much. I know I should call but I just never seem to have time." Yet, they have a huge circle of friends they do things with and post about online. It's only me they don't have time for, so they won't have to worry about that, anymore.

I'm sick of being lied to, is what it boils down to. When someone says they love me, but they never call to check on me, they can't love me very much. When I love someone I try to stay in touch with them. I may not be as good about that as I used to be, but the phone lines do work in both directions!

The Hurt

How I wish I could say it don't hurt, but I can't say that because the pain is real. I wish I didn't feel the pain when someone talks about me behind my back, saying bad things about me that aren't true. I wish I didn't feel the pain when someone walks out of my life without giving me a reason for them walking away. I wish I could say it doesn't hurt when someone tells me they'll do something and then they don't do it and they never tell me why.

I wish I could say it doesn't hurt when family members shun me or turn their back on me. It hurts that family members will talk about me but won't talk to me. It hurts when family believe something about me when they don't take the time to get to know me. I feel the pain when family members talk about something that isn't true because they never took the time to ask me if it was true or not. I feel the pain when family members won't talk to me because they believe the lies told by someone they know is a liar.

I do not wish that I was less sensitive about things. I'm proud to be a sensitive person who has feelings. God and me have done a whole lot of work changing the person I was into the person I am. (I said what I said.) I don't want to undo a single thing that we've changed. No, I'm not all the way "there." I have not yet arrived at where I want to be someday. I'm not there, yet. But I continue working toward getting there. That should count for something, but no one bothers to check and see where I'm at now. They just cling to what they think they know and the truth isn't relevant, as far as they're concerned. But, I'm only supposed to see who they are today and forget their past. Why is mine the only past that matters?

I also hurt when I see someone who professes to be a follower of Jesus treating me in a way that Jesus does not approve of, but that hurt is for them, not for me. I hurt when I see someone in need and I don't have the ability to meet their need. I hurt when I see someone mistreated for things that are beyond their control. Again, the pain is for them, not for me. I hurt when the people who mistreat me don't get what they want or need. And I hurt for them when they tell me I need to be less sensitive, because I know that they have lost their sensitivity.

I know that those who mistreat me aren't "there," yet, either. I know that we're all a work in progress, especially those who are Believers. So I forgive those who hurt me, whether intentionally or not. And I treat them as if they have never hurt me. Or I try my best to. And I pray for all of us to get better, wiser, smarter. I pray hardest that I can somehow touch someone's life in a way that shows Jesus to them and they will know Him and trust Him and follow Him.

Yes, I get hurt, but I also get healed. I get blessed. And I continue.