Looking Back over 50 Years of Life

On this, the eve of my 50th birthday, I have very few regrets. The biggest is that I wasted so many years running from God while He was calling out to me, telling me that He could heal me and mend my broken heart. What a tragic waste those empty years were!

The second biggest regret is that I've never felt loved as I have loved. Yes, I know Kerry loved me. But not the way I loved Kerry. Kerry "settled" for me, believing I was the last chance to find love because no one else would be able to look past the medical issues and just accept and love. Therefore, I became the consolation prize. Kerry never said, "I'm in love with you," although I said it many times. I did hear, "I love you," most often after I would say it. And I knew throughout the entire 3 years of that relationship that I was the consolation prize, the "settled for" relationship. You see, Kerry rejected me, first. It wasn't until after spending more than 6 months looking and not finding that I became a viable candidate.

And Paula didn't even love me as a friend. Ours was a marriage of convenience. A pure and simple business transaction to save money on taxes, rent and health insurance. Not exactly the right foundation for a long, lasting relationship. Which is probably why Paula hates me so much, even to this day, some 20 years later. I pulled out of the arrangement because I needed something more that Paula was incapable of giving.

I loved all of my parents, and I know they didn't love me as completely as they have loved others. You'd think a man who had 4 parents would have had one in the mix that was truly loving, but it just wasn't meant to be. My father is incapable of love. He's a sociopath who is only interested in what someone can do for him; what he can gain from the relationship. My mother, who gave birth to me fifty years ago did love me in her own way. But not unconditionally. You see, Mother thought I was weird and strange. She even told others that, including other family members. I learned many years after her passing that she was actually coming to Nashville twice a year for about 4 years and not once did she ever let me know she was in town. Then again, from the time I was reunited with Mother in December 1976 until her death in November 1998, my Mother never once picked up the phone and called me. She never gave me a birthday card and if I wasn't at her home to celebrate Christmas, she didn't give me a Christmas gift. She did all of those things for her 3 step-sons, but my brother Darren and I only mattered, it seems, if we made the effort. And my Mama, my Dad's third wife, who raised me from age 4 to age 13, showered Darren and I with attention from the day they took us from Oklahoma until the day she gave birth to her one and only child. A child she had been told she would never have. She wasn't cruel to Darren and I, but she did become more distant. And the few times when we did rekindle our relationship, it seemed it was more about what I could do for her, or what she could gain from me than about having a parent/child relationship.

The other parent figure in my life is the woman I call my Foster Mom. I do believe she loves me. But it is a conditional type love. And after her remarriage, I was more or less asked to stop contacting her. But for those years she raised me and throughout my 20's, she was there for me and did more for me than anyone ever had before. She didn't just provide my physical needs of food and shelter, she provided guidance, advice, instruction and correction. I truly would not be the man I am today were it not for Ann Hanson Hale. It is because of her, and only her on this earth, that I have integrity, honesty and stability.

My other biggest regret is, of course, the loss of my son in my life. David Wayne was ripped from me even before he was born. His mother, Jackie, never allowed me to see him, even going to the extreme of threatening to have me arrested if I showed up at the hospital in 1985 when he was in hospital in Dallas. I know that in her own heart she thought she was protecting our child, so I don't hold any ill feelings toward her. But that doesn't take one whit away from the loss and hurt of having never being able to hold my son in my arms, to see him take his first steps or say his first words; to hear him call me, "da da" or any of those other wonderful joys of being a father. Whomever said you cannot miss what you never had never had a child they were never able to see, touch or love. Trust me, you can miss something you've never had, quite deeply and painfully.

But, I've also had many, many blessings in the last 50 years. I had Grandparents who took me into their home and raised me when I was cast aside by my own parents. I had a Foster Mom who rescued me out of a dingy motel on the Bossier strip the moment she learned I had been abandoned there by my father. I've had cousins who have loved me and accepted me for who I am, warts and all, without question and without judgment, becoming more like brothers and sisters than cousins; namely Marilyn Camp Owens, Pamela Camp, Charlotte Martin Burgeson, Dewayne Pierce, Ernie Camp and Gene Arnold.

Most importantly, I've had good friends and wonderful spiritual leaders and spiritual brothers and sisters who have stood by me and encouraged me as well as corrected me. The greatest thing I've ever done was to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior on 10 March 1985. Though I've failed to live up to all that I should have been and should have done, He has never failed to be there, to bless me and to guide me.

Yes, the last 50 years have been filled with triumphs, victories, sorrows, mistakes and a few regrets, but I'm still looking forward to the next 50, if the Lord tarries, performing His will and following His command. Wherever He leads me, I will follow.

For God so loved those who believe in Him that He gave His only begotten Son that they should not perish but have everlasting life.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Every Christian on the face of the planet can quote that scripture and cite chapter and verse where it can be found in the Bible. And every translation bolds the word loved. But notice, the Word says, "for God so loved the world" before it talks about believing in Jesus and having everlasting life. The scripture doesn't read: "For God so loved those who believed in Him that He gave His only begotten Son, that they should not perish but have everlasting life." And yet, that's how most Christians today want to interpret it, or how they believe that scripture is meant.

But God's love is unconditional. Just as He commanded our love to be. Jesus said all the law and all the prophets hang on two commandments; that we love God with all our hearts, minds and souls and that we love our neighbors as ourselves. Of course, every one loves themselves above all others. Except God. He loves us above all else. And that's supposed to be the way we love. Not according to whether someone believes the same way we believe or behaves the way we believe they should behave. Or even whether we believe them to be saved. Even if they are a professed atheist or satanist, we are supposed to love them as we love God and ourselves.

Now, if we loved them the way we love God and ourselves, we wouldn't talk bad about them. Or treat them badly. We wouldn't refuse them when they asked for help or kick them out of our homes. We wouldn't shout at them or hurl stones at them or condemn them. We don't do those things to our family members who aren't believers because we love them. We act nice to those we love who aren't believers and we pray for them and we try to show them, in the best ways possible what being a Christian is all about. We don't constantly throw it up to them that they're not saved and they're going to hell and they can't live with us or we can't help them or they can't eat at our table! Why that would be un-Christian of us!

And yet we think nothing of spewing hatred at those whom we don't know by name or face because they fall into a category or class of people that we deem to be unworthy of our love and we somehow have convinced ourselves that God doesn't love them the way they are. I'm so grateful that God loved me the way I was before I accepted Him as my Savior or else I would still be lost and without hope.

The Path I've Traveled

I don't know why God chose to allow me to walk the path I've traveled through this life. There are some people who have expressed their own ideas about that, but I, myself, haven't truly understood what the purpose or reasoning has been for me to have experienced all the situations my life has encountered. It's been said if someone were to read a book that included one or two of the chapters of my life, they would think it far-fetched that a person could experience so much hurt, heartache and pain in one lifetime; and if they read the book of my life, they would conclude it was a work of fiction because no one could endure all that I've seen and been through.

I know that God didn't sit down and write out a plan for my life that included every situation I've encountered. Some of those situations were based on the choices and decisions and actions of my parents; others were based upon the choices and decisions I made; i.e. my own free will. We are not characters that God has written every line for, for each day of our lives. We were created with free will to make our decisions and choose how to live our own lives, yet our decisions not only effect our lives, they effect the lives of others around us, which effects the lives of others around them, and so on. A decision you make today, a choice to go left instead of right, could actually have an effect on the life of someone in China later this year.

Yet, there are things that have happened in my life that God has purposefully allowed or set in motion in order for me to learn, to grow, to develop patience, experience, understanding. And those things that others have effectively wrought in my life, God allowed to happen for reasons which are His own. I've had many people remark about my strength, which always surprises me. You see, many of them don't know about the 7 suicide attempts. They're unaware that I spent 10 days in the ICU after swallowing 180 pills. I'm not really sure, but I don't think it takes much strength to try to kill one's self.

And though I may not understand God's reasons for allowing me to go through all I've been through, I do know this: He will work each one of those things out for my good and He will use them for His glory. How do I know this? Because I seek His will in my life, each day. And because I give Him all the glory and praise for all the success and blessings in my life. You see, without Christ, I wouldn't have made it to this day. When I asked Him to forgive me, to save me on that March, 1985 Sunday evening in Dallas, Texas I gave Him not only my heart and soul, but my life. And He gave me His. So the life I live today is not my own, it's the life He gave me. He directs my steps and guides my path. It's His agenda that I attend to. And so, it's His strength that carries me through every struggle, trial, tribulation and trouble that I encounter. Not my own.

Because my strength would only allow me to kill myself.

Hatred, Discrimination and Bigotry Are Not US Only Sins

I read a news article this morning that told of the hatred and bigoted slurs a new minister in the Italian government has been experiencing because she is of African descent. Although she is a native of the United States, one of the tags most associated with her by those who disapprove of her is "Congolese Monkey." One government representative accused her of trying to remake Italy in the image of the Democratic Republic of Congo. It piqued my interest to further research and find out how deeply ingrained the discrimination of blacks are in Europe as compared to the United States, but as I began researching I was brought to an inescapable truth: it's not just those of African descent who are hated, discriminated against and targeted for violence. In almost every article I read I learned that throughout Europe the majority whites are showing discrimination and bigotry toward anyone of color, be it black, brown, yellow or red. Maybe it's the larger population of blacks that take the brunt of the hatred, but I have no evidence to prove that.

But, I also read about Asian countries where those who are of white, black, brown populations also face discrimination in those nations. And then I found a couple of statements that brought home the truth of it all: natives of a nation or an area do not like when anyone who is non-native comes into their populations. The loudest, rudest voices were those who complained of immigration and policy which allowed those from other nations to come into their midst. No matter the skin color of the alien, the native populations complained about them taking jobs, welfare, housing, etc. And no matter the skin color of the aliens, they were routinely described as lazy, violent, miscreants who wanted only to be placed in the lap of luxury at the expense of the native population.

Almost every developed nation has a program to search the stars for extraterrestrial life. I can only imagine that any advanced civilization from another planet or galaxy would steer clear of this planet unless and until the human race can realize that the color of one's skin or the location one was born and raised in has absolutely nothing to do with the character and morals they hold and live by. We might be kept by an alien civilization the way we keep ant farms: a way to study us to find out just why we're so hateful and violent against someone whose only difference is the color of their skin.

God created earth and for many centuries or however much time, all mankind lived in relative harmony and peace, until God scattered the peoples due to their working together to build a tower to heaven. People were divided by language, so those who spoke the same language congregated together in different locations around the globe. For millennia very few people of different language, or different skin color as determined by their position on the earth, came into contact with those of different language/appearance. But from day one of intermingling, we have always believed that those of a different language/appearance were somehow less than we are. Less worthy, less intelligent, less moral and upright.

For those who believe the United States of America is a Christian nation, it is even more egregious to hold views that those of a different culture are somehow sub-human or to make them unwelcome in this country. If you don't believe me, go back and read the scriptures about the Good Samaritan; or the scriptures where Jesus teaches about the hungry, the naked, the homeless, the incarcerated. Re-read the Beatitudes and then study on the comment Jesus made about "His other sheep." As Christians we are called to live in harmony with others, doing nothing to harm or hurt them. The Law of Moses even commanded that newcomers to a town be fed, given drink and a bed and treated well, so for those who believe The Law is a guidebook for Christian living really should double check their agenda on racism, immigration and giving aid to the less fortunate.

Passing Laws To Make Unbelievers Behave As Christians

Many Christians are actively participating in campaigns to pass laws in the United States based on their interpretation of the Holy Bible so that those who are not believers according to their understanding will have to behave in a way that the Christian community finds acceptable to God. And we, as a community are very passionate about seeing these laws passed and our stated goal is so that God will bless our country. However, in my recent Bible studies, I've found several scriptures that have made me reconsider the idea of passing laws to force the unbeliever to "behave."

In the 7th verse of the 8th chapter of the book of Romans, Paul writes: "Because the carnal (unsaved, fleshly) mind is enmity (hostile, antagonistic) against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be." In Galatians 3:16, Paul contends with Peter and states: "knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ...for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified." In Matthew 5:17-18, Jesus, Himself, tells us that He came to fulfill the law. And in Acts chapter 15, Peter is amazed that the Jewish Christians are trying to force the Gentile Christians to follow the law. This is what he had to say about that in verses 10 and 11: "Now therefore, why do you test God by putting a yoke (the law) on the necks of the disciples which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear? But we believe that through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ we shall be saved in the same manner as they."

Now, I know many Christians say that they are working to enact certain laws in the United States so that they can fulfill the scripture, 2 Chronicles 7:14: "if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land." But what we miss in reading that scripture is it is those of us who are called Christians who need to become humble and pray and seek God's face while turning away from our own wickedness that God will hear from heaven and forgive us our sins and heal our land. There's nothing in that scripture that says anything about forcing the unbeliever to stop sinning in order to bring about God's healing of our land. First of all, God was speaking of the nation of Israel at the time of Solomon. Israel was a theocracy; a nation that was founded based on God's law and the serving of God. The United States is not a theocracy, though some do believe that we are. We are a nation that was founded as a democratic republic, and while religious freedom was one of the reasons for the founding of this country, the nation was never intended to be a theocracy. And because of the religious freedom our forefathers sought, we must allow those who do not follow our version or style of religion to worship, or not worship, as they see fit. Even Jesus told us that we're not to force someone when He told the disciples in Matthew 10:14, that if we present the gospel and they reject it, we are to walk away from them, leaving them be. And the truth of the matter is, by passing these laws we're trying to do something that even God hasn't done: take away the free will of the people. We want to force them to behave the way we think they should, regardless of what they want to do. Are we really more knowledgeable and higher than God that we have the right to usurp someone's free will?

We will not be responsible for the sins of others. We are only responsible for our sins. Yet, if we continue to work to force people to behave like Christians or to become Christians, then we begin to walk that line between sinning and not. We need to seriously rethink the way we portray God to the world. We're on the verge of turning people off of God rather than winning them over to Christ.

One Statement From a Parent

A parent can make a single off-hand comment to a child that can lead that child to a lifetime of success or failure. When I was 13, during a trip to Waycross, Georgia with my father, I sat in the back floorboard of my brother's 1976 Ford Thunderbird with a notebook and pen and wrote the lyrics for a song. The song was for my step-mother, whom we were going to see. I had been writing lyrics since the age of 5, though notably my first attempt at songwriting was a criminal enterprise as I used the tune of The Old Rugged Cross for the melody to my lyrics. I think the law, and the writers of that song would be willing to forgive a 5-year old child, though.

I don't recall those lyrics, today, but I do remember being exceedingly proud of what I had written. So proud, in fact, that I read them out to my father and brother. My brother was impressed and told me they were great, but my father immediately squelched all the pride I had by telling me the song was childish, immature and didn't even work well. I was devastated for two reasons: I had initially started writing lyrics because my father was a songwriter and I wanted to be just like him. The second was that he had taken the heartfelt feelings I had for my Mama and made them into something small and insignificant.

Because of my father's comments in that car when I was 13, I didn't attempt to write another song until I was in my 30's. Like my Mother (birth mother) and my Mama (step-mother), I sang throughout my teens/20's, but I didn't attempt to write another song for more than 15 years. Had I not overcome through counseling and hard work, I probably would never have written another song, again. Simply because of one statement from a parent.

We Are Living The End Times

A student at a university in Florida was suspended for refusing to follow the directions in a class where the professor was trying to teach about "different perspectives on religion" where the professor had students write the name of Jesus on a piece of paper, lay it on the floor and stomp on it. The student refused to do so and put the paper back on his desk and reported the "lesson" to university officials. He was suspended for his efforts and his refusal to stomp the name of Jesus.

A group of students faced opposition for having Bible scriptures on the banner the football team burst through to begin their weekly football games. The case went to court.

A cross which stood in the desert Southwest for decades was recently required to be removed by state law.

A student gunman burst into a high school and opened fire on students gathered together to pray at the beginning of their school day.

A young girl was shot to death because she refused to deny the name of Jesus in a high school lunchroom massacre.

What do all these things point to? The end of times as described and prophesied by Jesus Christ, Himself. We were warned many times about facing adversity for our belief in Christ Jesus as the Messiah and His return as late as 2,000 years ago but as early as 6,000 years ago, so why is that we're astonished, surprised and even appalled at the treatment we receive from the world for being believers? I truly wonder how anyone could be surprised or even annoyed at the prospect of being discriminated against or worse for believing in Jesus. Of course, many Christians today feel that it's only those in foreign countries that should have to deal with these issues because the United States of America is a "Christian country" and should therefore be exempt from hardships associated with being a believer. What a load of craziness that is.

Father will be against son; mother will be against daughter; daughter-in-law will be against mother-in-law. And people we don't know will be against people they don't know, all because of belief in Jesus Christ. We were forewarned and foretold of these things happening, and believe me when I say it's only going to get worse before Jesus splits the Eastern skies and takes us home.